CW: // Food // Disordered Eating // Dysphoria // Dysmorphia // Depression // Anxiety // CPTSD // Self harm // Suicide //
It is finally time to talk about some stuff that I have had a really hard time approaching talking about.
There are so many terrible things going on in the world right now, and I know there are a number of ways in which I am incredibly lucky. The part of my brain that is really into self-sabotage has been being really loud about how my concerns seem so paltry in comparison that I should just figure out how to handle them, and not complain.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have been hanging on by the barest of threads for quite some time. At least since May of 2020, possibly further back than that. So much has happened, both for me personally, and in the world generally.
I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten until we had to say goodbye to Raubahn.
Learning all the ways in which he managed me and helped me to manage THINGS has been a process. From the physical dysfunction to the CPTSD to knowing when an Anxiety +82 was about to descend and helping me to defuse it before it became bad… or all encompassing.
I thought I’d gotten myself pulled back together enough back in late November/early December – but I was wrong. Some new curveballs showed up, and I fell back into some very old very bad patterns.
Finally sorted out part of the problem about a week ago, because my brain shook off enough of the depression and anxiety goo to actually take a step back and look at things, and do some analysis.
I’d been accidentally starving myself without realizing it – which led to an exacerbation of a number of my physical issues and had put me on a known and terrifying downward spiral that I could barely see because I’ve been having some exceptionally frustrating dysmorphia issues. (Not entirely certain that’s the right word, but I couldn’t find a better one. Basically what I see in reflections has rarely been accurate these past months, which took away easier warning signs quite neatly.)
Now that I’ve noticed the problem and am tracking things again, I’m working on figuring out how to get enough fuel in that I can do all the things I need to, and things seem to be on an upswing again.
But it is going to take time. I did myself a fair amount of damage over the past few months, and I am trying really hard to not do the “I feel better!” thing that we chronic lifers can be so very good at.
This first week was about trying to sort out how bad the fuel issue is going to be (the required soft diet, for the moment at least, involves a lot of work and time) and try to figure out what activity level I can currently support – and try to catch up on the things that had to be done to hold the here together enough that I could turn back to things like tea. (Tax glee yesterday was one of the last steps/victories needed there.)
I am sorry for all the delays.
My brain and trauma and grief ate me for a bit, and it took me a long time to start to find my way out.